Breaking the Chains of Insecurity

Insecure people end up destroying the very relationships they cling to so desperately. Here is how to work your way to freedom.

Insecurity robs our life and relationships of zest. We approach everything in a self-conscious, defensive and anxious way. It even causes anxiety disorders. 

Understanding insecurity 

Where does insecurity come from and how does it affect us?

 A spiritual teacher might say insecurity is caused by lack of self-love and faith. Even though the insecurity can appear to be about money, looks, or relationships, its root cause is lack of self-love. An insecure person gets worried about her stake in the relationship and believes that she isn’t as important to her partner as she wants to be. 

 “Insecurity is driven by self-pity. We do not feel we are worthy. We seek to constantly pacify our egos through reassurances and special attention.” 

Insecurity is rooted in fear – of loss, of not being good enough, of having to depend on oneself. Insecure people are unable to develop emotional strength to cope with life. They, therefore, depend on others to provide that support. This leads to an unhealthy dependency as the partner or friend becomes the source of strength and meaning. Such support systems are impermanent and cause pain, since they are controlled by another person. This power dynamic causes an individual to feel out of control and weak. It makes them insecure. 

Insecurities could also be rooted in many other factors such as an unstable childhood, rigid and critical upbringing, over-achieving siblings, painful life events or lack of support or guidance. 

Relationship insecurities are something people all over the world contend with.... lists the manifestations of insecurity in our lives. 

• Jealousy and distrust 

• Thwarting of communication processes

• Retardation of growth within a relationship 

• Unnecessary conflicts that often end in premature breakups 

Coping with insecurity 

Need for security: Fear comes from excessive concern about one’s security. In relationships, we are afraid of being vulnerable. We try to protect ourselves by seeking external reassurances and platitudes. By opening up, sharing our inner fears and just letting them be, we are able to face them. By trying to mitigate our fearful insecurities, we keep feeling them. 

Finding inner stillness:  we can control our insecurities by finding our core, which is calm and divine. Through meditation we begin slowly release the tensions and anxiety. 

Chanting: I ask you to choose the Gayatri mantra or a word that brings a sense of stillness and chant it every time they begin to dwell on insecurities and fearful thoughts. 

Risk love: There is no relationship without risk of loss, failure or grief. It is an inevitable part of loving. If we fear to give ourselves hundred per cent in a relationship. Love is a free fall of emotions. Once we can accept the emotional investment required, we begin to let go of fear. 

Surrender: Eventually we need to surrender and let go of outcomes. ....  has learnt to let go of her fears and insecurities. She now lives with the faith that what is to be will be. She cannot control it. “I tell myself each day that if (my husband) has to cheat on me, he will. By my constant vigilance or assurance seeking, the outcome will not change. In fact, it will weaken my relationship further.” 

Law of attraction: we manifest fears by dwelling on them. ... explores this concept. We are reminded that by focusing on fear, we create that very fear. It is important that we keep reminding ourselves this. 

Learn to separate: Learn to separate reality from fear. When we operate from insecurities, we operate from a place that is built on fantasy, not reality. Is your fear based on evidence? Where is the fear coming from? Seek therapy to help you differentiate and cognitively restructure. 

Being in the now: Insecurities are the results of living in the past or future. I often hear people say, ‘He/she did that to me in the past. I do not trust them and this makes me insecure’ or you may say, ‘My father suffered financially. I am scared I will too’.  “WIN is a useful acronym that I apply to my relationships. WIN stands for ‘What’s Important Now’. This helps her stay in the present and assess current needs, instead of thinking of the past or future. 

Insecurity is best tackled by discovering our own power. We need to discover our strengths and build our lives with the knowledge that people cannot fulfill our needs or make us happy. The Buddha spoke about creating a space within ourselves that is solely ours. This inner life is independent of others. When we are able to be with ourselves without fearing our minds, we find security. The desperate need for others disappears. They become a part of our life, not life itself. This is an important insight to remember because when people build their lives around a particular person or objective, life becomes very insecure. 

Finally, if a relationship is not working, we need to let go of it. We have to assess and see if insecurity stems from our minds or whether our partner or friend is generally unreliable. We can work on your own insecurities, but we cannot change our partner into being something they aren’t. Remember, there is a difference between being insecure in an abusive relationship and feeling insecurity in a non-abusive relationship. 

Eventually, a healthy relationship is one in which we can share insecurities, be open and vulnerable with our loved ones and instead of seeking constant reassurances, surrender our fears. 

Letting Go of Insecurities with Two Realizations

By Emma Brooke

“What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly.” ~Carl Rogers

I used to spend an awful lot of time worrying about people liking me. Or what people thought of me. Or what they thought of the clothes I was wearing. Or whatever.

It’s taken me a long time to realize two things:

1. Most people really aren’t even taking notice of us. (They’re too worried about what other people think of them.)

2. Of the few who are noticing us, the people who are judging us harshly are not the people we want around us anyway.

Makes sense, right?

It’s actually something I’d heard a hundred times before, but it never really sunk in.

So why had it not sunk in? What made it so hard to believe this is actually the case, and that I should give up caring what people think once and for all?

I think, in simple terms, it’s built into our human nature. We’re social creatures, therefore we want to be sociable; and we think that in order to be sociable, everyone has to like us.

Otherwise we would become (gasp) social outcasts.

I recently moved from my small town to London. Capital city, UK. The big smoke (for the UK). Scary.

I decided, in my quest to try new things and get healthier, to join the gym at the end of my road.

Unfortunately, I’ve never felt quite at home in a gym. For me, it’s almost like that scene in Pretty Womanwhen she walks in to the designer store for the first time, and all the shop assistants look down their noses at her.

I have to admit, that doesn’t actually happen—at all. But it’s happening in my head, because in my head I also hear “You’re not as good as them,” “They’ll think you’re stupid,” and “You don’t fit in here.”

You may have had an experience like this at some point in your life. Maybe you were just starting a new job, or meeting your partner’s parents for the first time, or walking into your first day of school.

The problem is, it’s not other people with the problem. It’s us.

When I think about everything I assume everyone else is thinking, I see side glances and sniggers where none really exist. The gym, for me, becomes hard work, not because of the people who go to my gym, but because of how I perceive them to be.

I am currently working on developing a positive attitude. It underlies my whole philosophy on life:

Your thoughts create your reality.

My natural disposition was always a bit negative. I suspect I developed that attitude partially because my parents taught me that it was important to consider all the options and “be realistic.”

That, in itself, is not a bad thing, but I ended up focusing on the negative side of things instead of realizing I had a choice to perceive things differently.

After my experience with the gym, I decided to turn my negative thoughts about other people into positive ones. Instead of dwelling on all the bad things I thought people were thinking, I told myself, “I belong here,” “I’m happy here,” and “Everyone here likes me.”

Everything started to change.

I suddenly realized that no one was looking at me strangely. No one cared what I was doing or whether I was as gorgeous as them. (There are super attractive people at my gym!) They were quite happy minding their own business, doing their own thing, and working on themselves—and suddenly I was able to do the same.

We are sociable animals and want that approval from other people, which for generations has meant conforming to the social norms of our society. But we live in a time when people are far more tolerant of individual differences than ever before.

If we can start to accept and be who we are, we just may realize not only that it’s okay, but that most other people think it’s okay, too.

We really can be ourselves if we can remember that it’s our perception that matters—and it’s a waste of energy to try to see ourselves through other people’s eyes. Odds are, they’re paying far less attention than we think.

  

Fear of Loss

Overcoming the Fear of Loss: 5 Steps to Get Unstuck
By Lori Deschene

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins

Of all the things that scare us, loss can seem like the most terrifying. At times, I've thought about it with such dread that it’s felt overwhelming.

Whenever I quit a job I hated in that past, I felt stuck between two loss-related fears: the fear of losing my passion by staying, and the fear of losing my financial security if I walked away and didn't find something else.

Whenever I considered leaving a bad relationship, I felt paralyzed by two similar fears: the fear of losing my chance at fulfillment by staying, and the fear of losing the comfort of companionship if I walked away and didn’t find someone else.

I haven’t only worried about the potential for loss as it pertains to big decisions. I've worried about losing people I love, pleasures I enjoy, and circumstances that feel comfortable. I've dreaded losing my youth, my health, and my sense of identity.

And then there are the everyday losses: If I don’t do this, will I lose someone’s respect? If I don’t do that, will I lose my own? If I don’t go, will I lose some as of yet unknown opportunity? If I don’t stay, will I lose my sense of comfort and security?

I might even go so far to say that whenever I fear something, loss is at the root of it. I suspect I’m not alone.

LOSS AVERSION

Economists have identified loss aversion as a major factor in financial decision-making, in that most people would rather avoid losing money than acquire more. The psychological impact of losing is thought to be twice as powerful as the pleasure of gaining.

According to Ori and Ram Brafman, authors of Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior, we often make poor decisions simply to avoid loss.

One example they offer involves Captain Jacob van Zanten, once a well-established and respected pilot who headed the safety program for KLM—a Dutch airline marketed as “the people who make punctuality possible.”

In the spring of 1977, on a flight from Amsterdam to the Canary Islands, van Zanten learned that a terrorist bomb had exploded at Las Palmas airport, where he was supposed to land. Along with a number of other flights, his was diverted to a smaller airport 50 miles away.

After landing the plane safely, he started worrying about a number of problems that would result from failing to take off soon.

The government had instituted a mandated rest period between flights for pilots, which meant he could be imprisoned if he took off after a certain hour. Staying overnight meant putting the passengers up in a hotel, which would be costly for the airline.

Waiting much longer meant losing time, money, and his reputation for punctuality.

Ultimately, van Zanten took off in a thick fog—despite knowing the risks, and not receiving take off clearance—because it seemed like a now-or-never moment. He didn't see the Pan Am 747 across the runway until it was too late—and 584 people died as a result.

The pressures and potential consequences of lost time piled up, and van Zanten acted against his better judgment, hoping to evade them.

LOSS AVERSION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

We all make irrational decisions everyday simply to avoid losing.

We buy things we don’t need (or groupons we won’t use) because a sale’s ending soon. We grab an item of clothing because there’s only one left and someone else might take it—even if we aren’t really sure we want it. We keep gym memberships we aren't actively using if we know we won’t be able to get that same rate again.

And then there are the bigger things.

We turn down opportunities that could be rewarding to avoid the risk of losing something else that feels good enough. We use our time in ways that feel unfulfilling because we fear losing time on a decision that might be wrong. And we fail to invest in ourselves, even though we’re aching to expand, because it can feel painful to part with our money.

I waited months to create my Tiny Wisdom eBooks because it would require a large investment. If I hadn’t taken that risk, I wouldn't have earned the money I’m now using to revamp the site, and take acting classes—something I've wanted to do for years.

We can’t ever know for certain that a risk will payoff, but we can choose to recognize when the fear of loss motivates our actions, and make a conscious effort to overcome it. If we don’t, it can severely limit our potential for growth, happiness, and fulfillment.

OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF LOSS

I first recognized this fear, and it’s associated irrational thoughts and behaviors, when I felt devastated after a man I wanted to break up with broke up with me first.

I realized I didn't make the decision myself because I preferred a bad relationship to being single. I also understood that I would have been far less affected if I’d made the choice to walk away, and that my feelings completely transformed because I felt out of control—like I lost something, and it wasn't my choice.

Since then, I've been developed a little system for identifying this fear when it takes hold—and a few practices for overcoming it so that it doesn't overcome me.

1. Ask yourself, “What am I scared of losing?”

This may seem like an obvious question, but I’ve learned that it’s all too easy to go through our days, making choices, without recognizing the underlying feelings that motivate them.

Whenever you have a choice to make, recognize in what way you’re motivated by the fear of losing something, whether it’s comfort, security, control, money, companionship, or something else.

Once you understand what you’re scared of losing, you can…

2. Ascertain if you’re seeing the whole picture.

There was a time when I worked 60+ hours/week to hold onto a job I didn’t even want. I was the last remaining US employee after a massive layoff, but I didn’t feel ready to lose that job.

After several months of working long hours from home, I realized I’d never feel ready. It wasn’t until I finally got laid off that I started planning for this site.

My logic was faulty—that it was best to stay with the sure thing, because I wasn’t ready to do something else—because the reality was that I needed the time and space to figure out that something else.

In other words, loss was necessary to set me up for gain; it wasn’t the other way around.

If you’re making a decision, or avoiding making a decision, based on the fear of what you might lose, ask yourself if you’re losing more by not doing what you really want to do.

When you attempt to see beyond the fear, you’re better able to recognize if you’re keeping yourself stuck—and if you’d benefit from letting go of what you think you need.

3. Use loss aversion as motivation to pursue what you really want. 

In a post on Money Ning, Emily Guy Birken suggests we can benefit from the fear of loss by charting our progress toward a goal. Just as we don’t want to lose time and money, we don’t want to lose momentum.

If you hang a large calendar on your wall, and put a star on every day when you do something positive—like exercise, practice a new hobby, or send out a resume for a new job—you’ll create a psychological need to keep that streak going.

Birken writes, “Your disappointment in seeing a day without a gold star is greater than your happiness at any single day’s work.”

Of course, you have to know what you really want first.

4. Regularly assess your intentions and motivations.

This ties into the last one. Sometimes we think we want something because we’ve wanted it for years—and then we feel scared to lose that dream and all its related rewards.

But sometimes, as we grow and learn about ourselves and the world, our wants change.

A friend of mine racked up massive debt studying law, only to realize a couple years into her career that it didn’t fulfill her as she hoped it would. She’d built her whole life around this possibility—and she had close to $100,000 in student loans.

She could easily have felt stuck, as if she’d lose too much if she walked away. But she did anyways. She moved to Chile and became a Pilates teacher, and though she ultimately realized she’d need to return to law for a while longer to pay off her debt, she’s released the emotional fears associated with pursuing a different path.

And because she’s experienced the joy of doing something else, she now has a compelling motivation to do it again: She knows what she stands to gain is greater than what she stands to lose.

If you’re forcing yourself to do something and a part of you feels it isn’t right, ask yourself, “Do I actually want this right now?” There’s a chance you do, and you’re just feeling frustrated and discouraged—but there’s also a chance you don’t anymore. Only you can know for sure what you really want.

5. Change how you see the inevitability of loss.

The reality is... loss is inevitable.

We will all lose relationships, situations, and states of being that we enjoy and love. Even if we practice non-attachment, on some level we will get comfortable with people and circumstances.

You could say that this is what makes life beautiful and meaningful—since nothing lasts forever, each moment presents unique possibilities worth fully appreciating and savoring.

Or you could say this is what makes life tragic—that everything is fleeting, and eventually it all slips away.

How we choose to see things dictates how we’ll experience them. Would you rather see everything as precious or pointless?

If we can choose the former, we can recognize that every loss provides opportunities for future gains—new relationships, experiences, and ways of being that may fulfill us in ways we can’t possibly predict.

Of course, this can only happen if we trust in our ability to recognize and create these new connections and situations. We all have the potential to do it.

Some losses feel devastating when we experience them—and sometimes, the gain isn’t proportionate to the loss.

But somehow, we survive in the wake of almost every storm. Whether we thrive is up to us. That’s a choice we need to make proactively, not in response to what we fear, but in response to what we genuinely want to feel and do in this life.

So I leave you with this question: Why are you afraid of losing? And are you ready to trust in yourself and your abilities so that you can get unstuck?

The love of a man for a woman and a woman for a man is often the floor to which people fall after the collapse of other dreams. It is held to be solid when nothing else is, and though it frequently gives way and dumps them into a basement of despair, it still enjoys a reputation of dependability. No matter that this reputation is illogical — it still flourishes and will continue to flourish regardless of what is said in any book. Love, or possibly the myth of love, is the first, last, and sometimes the only refuge of uncomprehending humanity. What else makes our hearts beat so fast? What else makes us swoon with feeling? What else renders us so intensely alive and aching? The search for love — the sublime, the nebulous, the consuming — remains sacred in a world that increasingly despises the sacred. When the heroic and the transcendental are but memories, when religious institutions fill up with bureaucrats and social scientists, when nobody believes there is a sky beyond the ceiling, then there seems no other escape from the prison of self than the abandon of love. With a gray age of spiritual deadness upon us, we love, or beg for love, or grieve for love. We have nothing higher to live for.

The Buddha did not teach the Dhamma for the entertainment of those already perfected; he taught it for the benefit of fallible people like us who were struggling to avoid pain and make sense of the world. Even to those who came to him with no intention to scale high spiritual summits he imparted the progressive training of giving, morality and mental development. Why? Because there is always scope for improvement and because the human alternatives are not limited to holy wisdom or cloddish ignorance. Suffering lessens and happiness increases when we make an effort to follow the Noble Eightfold Path, whatever our present condition.

What then does this have to do with the problems of love? Simply this. The Dhamma puts the delights and torments of love into perspective, so that we can break the illusion of love as the highest of aspirations and most essential of desires. Henry Thoreau wrote (when young): "The only remedy for love is to love more." We might amend this to say: The only remedy for love is to love better. The understanding and the practice of the Dhamma do not destroy our capacity to love or enjoy love — far from it. The Dhamma purges the grasping, selfish qualities from our love and makes it purer and nobler.

Even without understanding of the Dhamma most of us will distinguish in theory between love and infatuation. We think of infatuation as capricious, irresponsible, and shallow, and true love as mature, serious, and steady — though in practice it is hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. At least we recognize some advantage to clear sight and reflection, and this recognition grows sharper with actual experience of the Dhamma. We become less likely to throw ourselves at the feet of the adored object and more likely to stand erect, honest, and mindful, ready to meet our fortune with bravery. To a world that knows nothing loftier than the convulsions of craving, this may seem a loss, but to one who truly experiences the refreshment of wisdom there comes no narrowness but rather a loosening of the bonds of fear and selfishness. One can love without compulsion, out of free will. How gratifying when affection is given, or received, without a bill for services rendered!

Even under promising circumstances there is no guarantee that love will be returned in equal measure, or that it will last long, or that it will provide unalloyed joy. When we depend on it entirely for our happiness we must dwell in the shadow of pain, however bright our amorous interludes. What if we should lose our heart's support tomorrow? We're okay as long as we have each other, we assure ourselves dreamily. But we will not have each other long. Quarrels, time, distance, changes, or finally death dissolve all unions of friends, lovers, and relatives, plunging the unwary into despair and meaninglessness; and if we have no wisdom we too may go creeping about the lonely streets with our eyes staring hungrily into other eyes and seeing the same hunger there.

But in the way of the Buddha there is relief from distress and exile. In wisdom there is security. Because love is fragile and temporary it cannot protect us forever, but if we relax our grip it may bloom even better, allowing us to give and receive without encumbrance, frenzy, or fear, offering to each other our strength instead of our weakness.

In a sense the practice of Dhamma is like gradually filling the abyss of ignorance with knowledge until that terrible vacuum is appeased and neutralized and the heart no more cries for unknown succor. The perfected one, clinging to nothing here or hereafter, asks nothing and requires nothing, so he is wholly free. His loving-kindness is just the over-measure, the overflowing of his goodness quite purified of the need, the visceral wanting and the vacillation of ordinary attachment.

 The more we understand this flawed universe the more skillfully we can live, and the happier we will be. We love best when we do not love out of desperation.

  

Some Metta Practice

A powerful practice to open to and embody unconditional love is one from the Buddhist tradition called Metta Practice. 

Metta is a word meaning living kindness. Metta practice is a meditative and centering practice of well being for yourself and others. Many books and articles have described this practice is far greater detail. The book Loving Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg is one of the best.

Beginning the Metta practice will start your journey to your balance point of body and spirit. It is a journey that will change and begin to heal all areas of your body, heart and mind.

Basic Instructions for Metta Practice

Sit comfortably in a chair or cushion in a place you will not be disturbed for 15 minutes.

With your eyes open or closed, relax, breathe easily and comfortably. Feel your energy settle into your body, easily and comfortably.

Begin to pull your awareness into your heart area, and let your breathing arise from that area. See if certain words emerge from your heart that speaks to what you wish for most deeply for yourself. For example, "May I enjoy peace, may I enjoy good health, and abundance of love." Continue this way until you feel a sense of well being.

Now, visualize or imagine radiating outward in a series of concentric circles this well being for others you have a close intimacy with. For example, "May my husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, son, daughter enjoy good health, peace, and abundance of love." Continue radiating outward this well being for those in your circle until you feel complete. Then move this circle to those you know, and then those you do not know, and move the circle outward to your town, state, country and the entire world. Bring the practice to a conclusion when you feel complete with it.

What metta is

• Metta is an attitude of recognizing that all sentient beings (that is, all beings that are capable of feeling), can feel good or feel bad, and that all, given the choice, will choose the former over the latter.
• Metta is a recognition of the most basic solidarity that we have with others, this sharing of a common aspiration to find fulfillment and escape suffering.
• Metta is empathy. It’s the willingness to see the world from another’s point of view: to walk a mile in another person’s shoes.
• Metta is the desire that all sentient beings be well, or at least the ones we’re currently thinking about or in contact with. It’s wishing others well.
• Metta is friendliness, consideration, kindness, generosity.
• Metta is an attitude rather than just a feeling. It’s an attitude of friendliness.
• Metta is the basis for compassion. When our Metta meets another’s suffering, then our Metta transforms into compassion.
• Metta is the basis for shared joy. When our Metta meets with another’s happiness or good fortune, then it transmutes into an empathetic joyfulness.
• Metta is boundless. We can feel Metta for any sentient being, regardless of gender, race, or nationality.
• Metta is the most fulfilling emotional state that we can know. It’s the fulfillment of the emotional development of every being.
• It’s our inherent potential. To wish another well is to wish that they be in a state of experiencing Metta.
• Metta is the answer to almost every problem the world faces today. Money won’t do it. Technology won’t do it. Metta will.

  

Guilt

• "In Buddhism there are no bad people and no good ones either. 

There are merely good (or helpful) actions and bad (not helpful) actions. 
There is no “me” doing the actions; there are just impersonal processes. 

The Buddhist response to guilt – in short – is that it is part of the self-delusion which causes much of your suffering; one way or the other. "

• "Buddha taught that ignorance is a quality we have from birth. As babies, we don't know what to do, how to do anything, and have the task of learning how to make sense of the environment we're in. Usually, we don't have perfect teachers either, making our struggles with ignorance even more difficult. 
  
  This makes it foolish to fault ourselves or others for mistakes. The sense of guilt is baggage, pointless, and is suffering. We stub our toe on the couch, scream in pain, blame the couch... then face-palm and get back to the practice. We had enough pain already! What point is there in feeling guilty about being unskillful? That's why its called a Buddhist practice, because we all make mistakes and are foolish sometimes. 
  
  Do your best here and now, that's plenty enough. Its good to reflect on where we have acted unskillfully  because we can learn what do do better. Guilt will only cloud your mind and heart from acting on those lessons you've learned. You have learned, right? Then let go! 
  
  Also, if you do some metta practice, it can make the painful sensations in your body from the guilt less potent."

• "Guilt is anger and hatred turned onto ourselves. 
  
  Because of impermanence the past is dead and gone and cannot be changed. In a misguided attempt to even the score we punish ourselves with guilt. I might suggest metta become a focus of your meditation practice and kindness and forgiveness be the thought that you concentrate on each time you become aware of obsessive feelings of guilt arise. 
  
  Off the cushion try to do less harm in the only place that is real. Right Now. Even a kind word, a smile, or some little selfless act of generosity helps. "

A little something from James Ure 

SUNDAY, MARCH 25, 2007

Guilt, Shame and Buddhist Practice

Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind.
~Buddha

James: This reminds me of something that my mom told me in regards to guilt. Carrying guilt around in our minds is like hiking up a mountain and picking up every rock we stub our toe upon and throwing it in our backpack. That is unskillful. It is unnecessary suffering and it stems from a belief in a separate self. That somehow we are so important that we should suffer more than anyone else. It is also the belief that we are so powerful that we can actually revisit these past unskillful actions and somehow in reliving them change the result.

I personally have greatly suffered from the vicious cycle of guilt and shame and understand this process very well. I have worked hard on being in the moment and am now slowly learning how to let go of guilt through meditation and concentrating upon mindfulness.

Through meditation we can practice letting go of the burdens within our mind via deep breathing. Further, meditation is like a reset button that we can push to return us to the sharp wisdom of the present moment. Bringing us back to our natural state of peace, relaxation and freedom from the specter of invented ghosts which the ego-self creates for it's need of chaos and drama to feed "itself" and survive.

Mindfulness brings us back to the present moment as well. It keeps our attention upon what is going on in our present reality. Keeping us focused and aware. This keeps us from falling one step behind ourselves which leads us to trip over obstacles along our path because we are so focused on reliving the past that we do not see them coming. Obstacles which throw us off of the trail of balanced Reality of the present moment and into the waiting arms of the ego-self. Staying mindful of the present moment allows us to be aware of obstacles rising up and have the mental clarity to move safely around them.

May we all be more aware of the present moment and not pick up rocks. And if we do, may we only hold them for only a moment and throw them innocently back down onto the path and not into our backpacks to carry around like a martyr.

~Peace to all beings~

  

A Stressful Situation

Today something very personal backfired in my face. I won't go into details, but the fact is, there will be repercussions, and people will get hurt, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

"The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger - but recognize the opportunity."

Working With Worry

How to Practice Buddhism When You're a Nervous Wreck

Worry and anxiety are part of life. In Buddhism, worry is also among the Five Hindrances toenlightenment. The fourth hindrance, uddhacca-kukkucca in Pali, is often translated "restlessness and worry," or sometimes "restlessness and remorse."

Uddhacca, or restlessness, literally means "to shake." It is a tendency to be over-excited or "revved up." For now, however, we're going to look at mostly at kukkucca, which the early sutras describe as remorse for things done or not done in the past. Over time, the meaning of kukkucca was expanded to include anxiety and worry.

Some of the old texts helpfully advise us to replace worry with serenity. Oh sure, you might say. Like it's easy. Don't worry; be happy! Needless to say, if worry is a particular hindrance for you, just telling you to stop worrying isn't much help. You've probably been trying to do exactly that for years. So let's look at worry a little more closely.

What Is Worry?

Scientists think the propensity to worry evolved in humans along with intelligence. Worry involves anticipating that something unfortunate could happen in the future, and the discomfort of worry spurs us to try to avoid this unfortunate thing or at least mitigate its effects. In earlier times, an ability to worry no doubt boosted one's chances of survival.

Even now, there are times when a little anxiety can push us to try harder or work at a higher level. It "keeps us on our toes." Quickly passing worries are a normal part of life -- and dukkha-- and nothing to worry about. If we are practicing mindfulness, we recognize worry when it emerges, and acknowledge it, and take action to resolve a problem if we can.

However, sometimes worry settles in for a long stay. It's especially stressful when the object of worry is out of our hands. We worry about getting a new job, or keeping an old one. We worry when a loved one is very sick. We worry about being approved for mortgages or about the outcomes of elections. When the resolution of an issue will have a major impact on our lives, waiting for something to happen can be nearly unbearable.

For most of us, eventually the situation is resolved and the worry passes. But for some, worry is their default setting. This is chronic worrying, as opposed to the acute worrying described above. For chronic worriers, anxiety is a constant part of life's background noise.

People can become so used to chronic anxiety they learn to ignore it, and it becomes subconscious. However, the worry is still there, eating away at them. And when they begin to practice meditation or cultivate mindfulness, anxiety roars out of its hiding places in the psyche to sabotage their efforts.

Advice on Meditating With Worry

For most people, mindfulness and meditation practice does reduce anxiety, although you may have to take it slow at first. If you are a beginner, and sitting in meditation for twenty minutes makes you so nervous your teeth chatter, then sit for ten minutes. Or five. Just do it every day.

While meditating, don't try to force your nerves to be still. Just observe what you are feeling without trying to control it or separate from it.

Soto Zen teacher Gil Fronsdal suggests paying attention to the physical sensations of restlessness and anxiety. "If there is a lot of energy coursing through the body, imagine the body as a wide container where the energy is allowed to bounce around like a ping pong ball. Accepting it like this can take away the extra agitation of fighting the restlessness."

Don't attach judgmental labels to yourself or your anxiety. Worry in itself is neither good nor bad -- it's what you do with it that matters -- and your anxiety doesn't mean you are not cut out for meditation. Meditating with worry is challenging, but it's also strengthening, like training with heavy weights.

The guidance of a dharma teacher can be invaluable. Tibetan Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron said that a good teacher will help you learn to trust yourself. "You begin to trust in your basic goodness instead of identifying with your neurosis," she said.

Cultivating trust -- in oneself, in others, in the practice -- is critical for coping with anxiety. This is shraddha (Sanskrit) or saddha (Pali), which often is translated as "faith." But this is faith in the sense of trust or confidence. Before there can be serenity, there must first be trust. 

Equanimity is another essential virtue for the chronically worried. Cultivation of equanimity helps us release our fears and patterns of denial and avoidance. And wisdom teaches us that the things we fear are phantoms and dreams.

Replacing worry with serenity is possible for all of us, and there's no batter time to start than now.





The trouble is, my sensai is the reason I am facing this crisis. I fear the Catch 22 situation has reared it's ugly head and created a monster. 

Dealing with Stress: 2 Simple Ways to Get Perspective

By Francis Tapon

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Whenever worries and anxiety overwhelm your life, people tell you, “Just relax.”

Thanks, that’s wise advice, but how the hell do you do that? You’d love “to be light and free,” but that seems impossible when you’re feeling heavy and enslaved. How do you do it?

What follows are two practical, yet profound ways to let go of your worries and anxiety. Use these two skills to lighten your load and unchain yourself from everyday frustrations.

I learned these two techniques from pilgrims who walk the 2,168-mile Appalachian Trail. In their honor, I call it the Pilgrim’s Perspective.

A Quick Quiz

First, consider how you would react in these five situations:

1. You’re on a subway train that’s stalled in a tunnel and you’re told to exit and take a bus because of a “mechanical problem.”

2. You have to make an important call when your cell phone battery dies.

3. You’re remodeling your kitchen when the contractor makes an error that sets you back two weeks and $500.

4. You need cash fast and there are 10 people in line at the ATM.

5. You’re going out to a job interview, all dressed up, when a taxi cab hits a puddle of water and drenches you.

Do you feel worry and anxiety rising in you now? If so, let’s see how you can make it go away by using the Pilgrim’s Perspective of Space and Time.

Skill #1: Perspective of Space

The second you feel stressed, step out of your body and imagine that you’re filming yourself at that very moment. Slowly begin to pull back the camera, so that you no longer fill up the screen, but that there are others in the camera frame.

Pull back further, so now you could see the entire building you’re in, with the room being just a minor part of the structure.

Next, pull back even more, so you could observe the city you’re in, then the state, then the country, and then, perhaps, even the Earth itself.

At some point during this process you should start to realize that whatever just happened is really not that important. It may seem important in the place where you’re standing, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not important.

However, if you are still upset, continue pulling back the camera. See the Moon, with the Earth in the background, then Mars with the Earth as a little blue globe, then out past Pluto where the Earth would be a speck of sapphire against a black canvas.

If you’re really having a bad moment, pull back to our celestial neighbor, Proxima Centuri, and realize that you can’t see any planets, and that the Sun is simply a bright star in the heavens.

And just for fun, pull back to our neighboring galaxy, Andromeda, where there is no hint that our solar system is dangling near the edge of a spiral arm of the Milky Way Galaxy.

It is usually at that moment that you will realize that surely someone from the Andromeda Galaxy really cares about the subway’s “mechanical problem.”

“When he feels the wind blowing through him on a high peak or sleeps under a closely matte white bark pine in an exposed basin, he is apt to find his relationship to the universe.” ~Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas, an avid hiker

When I walked across America four times, there were plenty of challenging moments during my pilgrimages. However, months of hiking in the mountains and sleeping outside in the wilderness under a tarp helped me master the Pilgrim’s Perspective.

Countless times it helped me overcome the adversities of wicked weather, pesky mosquitoes, and nasty slips. It also let me survive 45 days without a shower.

However, the guys walking behind me didn’t fare so well.

Try having a Pilgrim’s Perspective of Space next time something gets your goat. Someone may have cut you off while you’re driving, but the world continues to function.

You may not have closed the sale, but your country will probably survive and frankly doesn’t care. You may have broken a nail, but the planet Earth will pull through, barely.

“Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.” ~Woody Allen

Skill #2: Perspective of Time

The second technique is similar to the Pilgrim’s Perspective of Space, but instead puts you in relationship with time. Let’s return to the example of your outfit getting drenched right as you’re about to go to an important job interview.

You’re worried and anxious about what your potential employer will think. Here’s how to use the Perspective of Time.

The moment you get drenched, freeze that moment in time—just stop. Next, fast forward your life and see what kind of impact this event would have on the very next day.

Often, it’s already meaningless. In this case, however, it might still be stressful, so you need to fast forward to the next week. Chances are this event will begin to fade in importance, although it’s possible that you’ll suffer from getting rejected for the job.

To gain some more perspective, fast forward to the next month or the next year. By then getting drenched before your interview will no longer be a traumatic event; on the contrary, you might even be laughing about it with your friends. It became a quasi-tragic story that’s fun for the whole family.

However, let’s assume that you have a propensity of envisioning some pretty dire scenarios. A year from now, you imagine you’re still reeling from your drenched-outfit experience because your career is now somehow ruined because of it.

So maybe you need to jump 5, 10, or 20 years ahead and see yourself having overcome this career disaster. You finally adopt a new career, find a great job, and live happily ever after.

However, let’s say you’re feeling pretty negative. You imagine that because you didn’t get the job offer, an evil person did. This jerk rises to the top of the industry and uses his money to sponsor nefarious operations that lead to the destruction of the United States and the domination of the entire planet.

This is when you need to hold the fast forward button for a while. Maybe 500 years from now the unholy kingdom will finally be overthrown when the power shifts to the Eskimos thanks to some serious global warming.

Finally, if that doesn’t make you feel better, there’s always the ultimate fast forward—jump five billion years ahead. Our Sun will run out of fuel, expand, consume the Earth, and then fizzle out. End of drenched-outfit story.

One hopes that at some point during the fast forward, you will realize that getting drenched before a job interview is not a big deal in the infinite stream of time.

As absurd has this exercise may seem to some, it can truly help place any event in context, giving you perspective to deal with it in a calm, stress-free manner.

“The most happy man is he who knows how to bring into relation the end and beginning of his life.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

ACTION: Practice using both of these  techniques by retaking the quiz at the beginning of this article. Instead of magnifying such events, do the opposite: pull back the camera and fast forward the clock.

You will quickly realize that events that initially produce worries and anxieties will instantly fade away as you change your perspective. Now, at last, you can truly be light and free!