Insecure people end up destroying the very relationships they cling to so desperately. Here is how to work your way to freedom.
Insecurity robs our life and relationships of zest. We approach everything in a self-conscious, defensive and anxious way. It even causes anxiety disorders.
Understanding insecurity
Understanding insecurity
Where does insecurity come from and how does it affect us?
A spiritual teacher might say insecurity is caused by lack of self-love and faith. Even though the insecurity can appear to be about money, looks, or relationships, its root cause is lack of self-love. An insecure person gets worried about her stake in the relationship and believes that she isn’t as important to her partner as she wants to be.
“Insecurity is driven by self-pity. We do not feel we are worthy. We seek to constantly pacify our egos through reassurances and special attention.”
Insecurity is rooted in fear – of loss, of not being good enough, of having to depend on oneself. Insecure people are unable to develop emotional strength to cope with life. They, therefore, depend on others to provide that support. This leads to an unhealthy dependency as the partner or friend becomes the source of strength and meaning. Such support systems are impermanent and cause pain, since they are controlled by another person. This power dynamic causes an individual to feel out of control and weak. It makes them insecure.
Insecurities could also be rooted in many other factors such as an unstable childhood, rigid and critical upbringing, over-achieving siblings, painful life events or lack of support or guidance.
Relationship insecurities are something people all over the world contend with.... lists the manifestations of insecurity in our lives.
• Jealousy and distrust
• Thwarting of communication processes
• Retardation of growth within a relationship
• Unnecessary conflicts that often end in premature breakups
Coping with insecurity
Need for security: Fear comes from excessive concern about one’s security. In relationships, we are afraid of being vulnerable. We try to protect ourselves by seeking external reassurances and platitudes. By opening up, sharing our inner fears and just letting them be, we are able to face them. By trying to mitigate our fearful insecurities, we keep feeling them.
Finding inner stillness: we can control our insecurities by finding our core, which is calm and divine. Through meditation we begin slowly release the tensions and anxiety.
Chanting: I ask you to choose the Gayatri mantra or a word that brings a sense of stillness and chant it every time they begin to dwell on insecurities and fearful thoughts.
Risk love: There is no relationship without risk of loss, failure or grief. It is an inevitable part of loving. If we fear to give ourselves hundred per cent in a relationship. Love is a free fall of emotions. Once we can accept the emotional investment required, we begin to let go of fear.
Surrender: Eventually we need to surrender and let go of outcomes. .... has learnt to let go of her fears and insecurities. She now lives with the faith that what is to be will be. She cannot control it. “I tell myself each day that if (my husband) has to cheat on me, he will. By my constant vigilance or assurance seeking, the outcome will not change. In fact, it will weaken my relationship further.”
Law of attraction: we manifest fears by dwelling on them. ... explores this concept. We are reminded that by focusing on fear, we create that very fear. It is important that we keep reminding ourselves this.
Learn to separate: Learn to separate reality from fear. When we operate from insecurities, we operate from a place that is built on fantasy, not reality. Is your fear based on evidence? Where is the fear coming from? Seek therapy to help you differentiate and cognitively restructure.
Being in the now: Insecurities are the results of living in the past or future. I often hear people say, ‘He/she did that to me in the past. I do not trust them and this makes me insecure’ or you may say, ‘My father suffered financially. I am scared I will too’. “WIN is a useful acronym that I apply to my relationships. WIN stands for ‘What’s Important Now’. This helps her stay in the present and assess current needs, instead of thinking of the past or future.
Insecurity is best tackled by discovering our own power. We need to discover our strengths and build our lives with the knowledge that people cannot fulfill our needs or make us happy. The Buddha spoke about creating a space within ourselves that is solely ours. This inner life is independent of others. When we are able to be with ourselves without fearing our minds, we find security. The desperate need for others disappears. They become a part of our life, not life itself. This is an important insight to remember because when people build their lives around a particular person or objective, life becomes very insecure.
Finally, if a relationship is not working, we need to let go of it. We have to assess and see if insecurity stems from our minds or whether our partner or friend is generally unreliable. We can work on your own insecurities, but we cannot change our partner into being something they aren’t. Remember, there is a difference between being insecure in an abusive relationship and feeling insecurity in a non-abusive relationship.
Eventually, a healthy relationship is one in which we can share insecurities, be open and vulnerable with our loved ones and instead of seeking constant reassurances, surrender our fears.
“What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly.” ~Carl Rogers
I used to spend an awful lot of time worrying about people liking me. Or what people thought of me. Or what they thought of the clothes I was wearing. Or whatever.
It’s taken me a long time to realize two things:
1. Most people really aren’t even taking notice of us. (They’re too worried about what other people think of them.)
2. Of the few who are noticing us, the people who are judging us harshly are not the people we want around us anyway.
Makes sense, right?
It’s actually something I’d heard a hundred times before, but it never really sunk in.
So why had it not sunk in? What made it so hard to believe this is actually the case, and that I should give up caring what people think once and for all?
I think, in simple terms, it’s built into our human nature. We’re social creatures, therefore we want to be sociable; and we think that in order to be sociable, everyone has to like us.
Otherwise we would become (gasp) social outcasts.
I recently moved from my small town to London. Capital city, UK. The big smoke (for the UK). Scary.
I decided, in my quest to try new things and get healthier, to join the gym at the end of my road.
Unfortunately, I’ve never felt quite at home in a gym. For me, it’s almost like that scene in Pretty Womanwhen she walks in to the designer store for the first time, and all the shop assistants look down their noses at her.
I have to admit, that doesn’t actually happen—at all. But it’s happening in my head, because in my head I also hear “You’re not as good as them,” “They’ll think you’re stupid,” and “You don’t fit in here.”
You may have had an experience like this at some point in your life. Maybe you were just starting a new job, or meeting your partner’s parents for the first time, or walking into your first day of school.
The problem is, it’s not other people with the problem. It’s us.
When I think about everything I assume everyone else is thinking, I see side glances and sniggers where none really exist. The gym, for me, becomes hard work, not because of the people who go to my gym, but because of how I perceive them to be.
I am currently working on developing a positive attitude. It underlies my whole philosophy on life:
Your thoughts create your reality.
My natural disposition was always a bit negative. I suspect I developed that attitude partially because my parents taught me that it was important to consider all the options and “be realistic.”
That, in itself, is not a bad thing, but I ended up focusing on the negative side of things instead of realizing I had a choice to perceive things differently.
After my experience with the gym, I decided to turn my negative thoughts about other people into positive ones. Instead of dwelling on all the bad things I thought people were thinking, I told myself, “I belong here,” “I’m happy here,” and “Everyone here likes me.”
Everything started to change.
I suddenly realized that no one was looking at me strangely. No one cared what I was doing or whether I was as gorgeous as them. (There are super attractive people at my gym!) They were quite happy minding their own business, doing their own thing, and working on themselves—and suddenly I was able to do the same.
We are sociable animals and want that approval from other people, which for generations has meant conforming to the social norms of our society. But we live in a time when people are far more tolerant of individual differences than ever before.
If we can start to accept and be who we are, we just may realize not only that it’s okay, but that most other people think it’s okay, too.
We really can be ourselves if we can remember that it’s our perception that matters—and it’s a waste of energy to try to see ourselves through other people’s eyes. Odds are, they’re paying far less attention than we think.
