What the Buddha says about jealousy.

I recently found myself in a position of feeling sudden acute jealousy with regard to someone I love. This is not my normal way of being.
That is why I want to know what the Buddha's feelings are with regard to jealousy.

USING JEALOUSY AS A GIFT

There’s a lesson here for all of us. When you feel jealous, instead of identifying with that feeling or beating yourself up for feeling it, let it serve as an important message.

Here’s how to do that:

1. When you experience jealousy, turn your focus from outward to inward.

This is hard, this is big, and this is where transformation begins.

2. Ask, what part of me is having trouble witnessing the x (success, brilliance, boldness, popularity, beauty, wealth, etc.) of another person?

Connect to that part. Focus in on the discomfort. Shine the light there and explore it.

3. Ask yourself: What message does that part of me have to share?

What does that part want for me? What does it want to create in my own life? What does it feel hurt about, prevented from doing, stuck around? Reflect on these questions by journaling about them or exploring them in meditation.

4. Feel the feelings fully.

Speak them. Process them. You can share them with the person you are jealous of—if that feels right in the relationship. Though I didn’t do this with Kayla because I was a scaredy-cat, I’ve done it with others since and it goes a long way to immediately diffuse the feelings of jealousy.

Once you’ve shone a light on it, it can’t run you in the same way. Or, share with another supportive listener, journal, or process the feelings by sitting quietly with them and feeling the sensations of them in your body. We forget all the time in our doing-focused culture that when it comes to feelings, just feeling them fully causes them to shift. It really does!

5. Explore: What am I willing to do to get back on track with myself in my life?

What would I need to be doing in my own life to be completely at home with–delighted by–this person’s glory? Your answers here point you towards your own glory.

6. Finally, consider: What do I need to do, in order to be the person I want to be in this relationship?

Steps 1-5 are an important part of this. You may also want to put in place some boundaries for yourself like “no teasing this person” or “no comments” on the thing you are jealous of. Sometimes, it’s a good idea to take a step back from the relationship until you can be the source of support they deserve.

When you give yourself full permission to shine, to try, to experiment, to fail, jealousy of others subsides. When your stand for your own dreams, and do the hard and brave things required to make them happen, you won’t feel that twinge of jealousy in the presence of others going after theirs.

And when you do feel jealous? Treat it as a powerful messenger. Jealousy shows you just where you need to go next on your own journey.

From readers:

"The goal of Buddhist practice is to remove suffering from ourselves and all other sentient beings. I recommend reading a text called 37 Practices of Bodhisattvas. It helps to explain some of the finer points but I'll try and give you some helpful advice:

We practice non-attachment (everything is constantly changing therefore it causes us pain to hold on to 'ideas' about ourselves and what makes us who we are). We realize that by acknowledging the feelings we take our first steps toward observing the feelings and how they contribute to our suffering and the suffering of others. This is not at all easy but we practice not 'getting involved' with the feeling(s). We recognize that jealousy and sadness are not a natural state for us to be in, human beings were created for joy. 

I would do a few of the following things to help:
Practice compassion with yourself (if you cannot have compassion for yourself then it is difficult to have for other people). 
Practice kindheartedness toward the person who has hurt you. It doesn't change what they did or did not do but it helps put things in a different perspective. It changes negative feelings to more positive. Practice compassion as well. 

Remove yourself from potentially damaging situations so that you can keep a clear head. When you suffer it increases the suffering of everyone else in the universe, it's a beautiful two sides of the coin idea. When you experience joy, all beings share in your joy.
Meditate on the joy of being born as a human being. (this is the first practice in the 37 practices.......get a book about it, it is helpful).

The antidote for anger is meditating on love.
I say 'practice' because we don't do anything automatically. We like to think we do but we do have to practice in order for an attitude to become part of us. It's also a more forgiving way to look at yourself and others. 
I wish you well. 

Namaste"

"A buddhist-in-training sees attachments as 'paths' to suffering because they feel bound to them. A buddhist sees the same actions and simply chooses when to be attached and when not to be attached.

A buddhist does not deny their own feelings for others unless, of course, the buddhist chooses to deny the feelings of themselves for others. Exact same situation; one feels helpless, one feels empowered.

Do you feel helpless when you are hungry? Do you feel helpless when you are thirsty? Who is holding onto this person? Why are you holding onto this person? When you understand the question, then you will know the answer."



"You have just realized the First Noble Truth of the Buddha's Teaching:

.....separation from the beloved is suffering;not to get what one desires is suffering;...

By realizing The First Noble Truth,you are already one of the 8 noble person(ariya) travelling on the path to Enlightenment.

The answer to second part of your question is in The Fourth Noble Truth:The Truth of the Path Leading to the Extinction of Suffering.
This is simply the Noble Eightfold Path consisting of:
Right Understanding,Right Thought..........Wisdom aspect

Right Speech,Right Action,Right Livelihood.....Morality aspect

Right Effort,Right Mindfulness,Right Concentration...Concentration aspect


The above Noble Threefold Training will overcome all suffering and leads to Enlightenment.You will need a good teacher to guide you.
May you gained Enlightenment in this life.

Metta to all."




   

Understanding The Buddha's Teaching

Chapter Six

Stopping, Calming, Resting, Healing.

Buddhist meditation has two aspects - shamatha (stopping) and vipashyana (looking deeply). The tendency is to stress vipashyana because it can bring insight and free us from suffering and affliction. Howver, if we cannot stop, we cannot have insight.


 There is an old Zen story about a man riding a horse that is galloping very quickly. Seeing him, another man asks, “Where are you going in such a hurry?” To which the man replies, “I have no idea. Ask the horse!”
That is also the story of Buddhism. We are riding a horse, and we don't know where we are going and we can't stop. The horse is our habit energy pulling us along and we are powerless. We are always running - it's a habit. We struggle, even when asleep. We are at war within ourselves and that can lead to a war with others. 





We need to learn the Art of Stopping; our thinking, habit energies, forgetfulness, the strong emotions that rule us. When an emotion rushes through us like a storm, we can have no peace. We end up in a state of agitation. How can we stop our fear, despair, anger, and craving? By practicing mindful breathing, walking, smiling and deep looking. Mindfulness and deeply touching the moment can lead to understanding, acceptance, love and the desire to relieve suffering and bring joy.

But our habit energies can be strong. We say and do things that we regret, making ourselves and others suffer. We have to learn to recognise our habit energies..."Hello my habit energy, I know you are there!!" Smiling at it makes it lose its strength. Mindfulness is the what helps us recognise habit energy and not let it rule us. 

Forgetfulness is the opposite. We drink tea, but we do not know we are drinking tea. We sit with someone we love but fail to see that they are there. We walk, but we don't realise we are walking - we are somewhere else thinking about other things. The horse of our habit energy is carrying us along and we are captive. We need to stop our horse and reclaim our freedom. The light of mindfulness will vanquish the darkness of forgetfulness.

 Shamatha - to stop. The first step of meditation.
The second step is calming. We need to embrace the the ability to refrain from acting in dangerous situations. Learn the art of breathing in and out, stop our activity and calm our emotions. Be solid and stable like an oak tree in a storm. The Buddha taught many ways to help us calm our bodies and minds and look deeply into them.

The Five Stages:

1. Recognition. If we are angry, we say, "I know that anger is in me."
2. Acceptance. When we are angry we do not deny it. We accept it.
3. Embracing. We hold our anger like a mother embracing her crying child. Our mindfulness embraces our emotion and this can calm our anger and ourselves.
4. Looking deeply. When we are calm enough, we can look deeply to understand what has started this anger in us - what is causing the child's distress.
5. Insight. Looking deeply to understand what has caused our anger, the child to cry. Perhaps it has a rash or is hungry. Our anger was triggered when a friend spoke harshly and then we remember that his father has recently died. We reflect like this until we have insight into what has caused our suffering. With insight, we know what to do and what not to do to change the situation. 

After calming, the third step after shamatha is resting.
Someone standing near a river throws a pebble in the air and it falls into the river. The pebble allows itsellf to to sink slowly and effortlessly to the river bed. Once there, it continues to rest, allowing the water to pass by it.

When we practice sitting meditation, we can allow ourselves to rest just like the pebble, to sink naturally into the position of sitting - resting effortlessly. WE have to learn this art of resting, in mind and body. If we have wounds in our body or mind, rest will heal them. 

Calming allows us to rest and rest is the for-runner of healing. Animals in the forest who are wounded find a place to lie down and rest - they do not eat or move. They just rest in order to get the healing they need. Humans who get sick just worry!! We look to doctors and medicine, but we don't stop. Even on vacation, we don't rest, and we come back more tired than before. We have to learn to rest; sitting or walking meditation are good. Meditation does not have to be hard work. Allow your body and mind to rest like the animal in the forest. Do not struggle. Even reading this is resting, in a joyful and restful way.

The Buddha said, "My Dharma is the practice of non-practice. " Don't tire yourself out. Give your emotions and body and consciousness a chance to rest. That way we have a chance to heal ourselves. 

Stopping, calming and resting are preconditions for healing. They help us avoid destruction. The world needs healing.