Why do I feel worthless and ugly?

Self-worth

by James Ure 

Though much of who and what we are changes as we journey through life, our inherent worth remains constant. While the term self-worth is often used interchangeably with self-esteem, the two qualities are inherently different. Self-esteem is the measure of how you feel about yourself at a given moment in time. Your worth, however, is not a product of your intelligence, your talent, your looks, your good works, or how much you have accomplished. Rather it is immeasurable and unchanging manifestation of your eternal and infinite oneness with the universe. It represents the cornerstone of the dual foundations of optimism and self-belief. Your worth cannot be taken from you or damaged by life's rigors, yet it can easily be forgotten or even actively ignored. By regularly acknowledging your self-worth, you can ensure that you never forget what an important, beloved, and special part of the universe you are. 

You are born worthy-your worth is intertwined with your very being. Your concept of your own self-worth is thus reinforced by your actions. Each time you endeavor to appreciate yourself, treat yourself kindly, define your personal boundaries, be proactive in seeing that your needs are met, and broaden your horizons, you express your recognition of your innate value. During those periods when you have lost sight of your worth, you will likely feel mired in depression, insecurity, and a lack of confidence. You'll pursue a counterfeit worth based on judgment rather than the beauty that resides within. When you feel worthy, however, you will accept yourself without hesitation. It is your worth as an individual who is simultaneously interconnected with all living beings that allows you to be happy, confident, and motivated. Because your conception of your worth is not based on the fulfillment of expectations, you'll see your mistakes and failures as just another part of life's jo! urney. 

Human beings are very much like drops of water in an endless ocean. Our worth comes from our role as distinct individuals as well as our role as an integral part of something larger than ourselves. Simply awakening to this concept can help you rediscover the copious and awe-inspiring worth within each and every one of us. 

From the Daily Om website.

James: May we all realize our Buddhahood which is already within us. May we melt away the layers of ice that is hiding our buddhahood through the hot water of mindfulness, meditation, self-love and practicing the 8 fold path.

-Peace to all beings-

**A Zen Buddhist who follows in the tradition of Vietnamese Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh but I enjoy teachings from all Buddhist traditions. In addition, I am influenced by Taoism and Secular Humanism. I am also a nature lover and live with Schizo-Affective Disorder. The blog is titled, "The Buddhist Blog" because it was all that I could think of for a name. It does not mean that somehow I think my blog is the definitive blog on Buddhism. It is not. It is one traveler's footprints and nothing more. I am not a Buddhist teacher. This blog is a journal of my humble travels as I try to follow the middle path of Buddhism. Take my hand and walk with me for awhile. I have a university degree in U.S. History with a special emphasis in African history. As well as a minor in World Geography. Contact me: jaymur@gmail.com

Tolerance and Not Being Judgmental.

Perfection of Respect

I once heard someone say that the difference between tolerance 

and respect is that tolerance is putting up with something you don't like, 

while respect is seeing value in something even if it differs from

what you prefer.

I bring this up because the new focus feature this week is ksanti paramita, sometimes translated "perfection of tolerance." And it was interesting to me that the word "tolerance" first brought to mind the value of accepting diversity, or not discriminating against people who are "different." But that kind of "tolerance" isn't mentioned in any of the commentaries.

Instead, tolerance in this case means something like "endurance," as in "petunias can tolerate a variety of soil conditions." Or. if you are human, you are called to tolerate hardship and misfortune when it comes.

Still, the word tolerance bothers me. It connotes just putting up with something. I know what I do when I put up with things -- I close my emotional drawbridge, so to speak. I ignore it, or try to distract myself with something else, or otherwise grit my teeth until the whatever-it-is goes away. This is not skillful.

Instead, perhaps it's more helpful to think in terms of respecting hardship. Acknowledge it and accept it as your path. Perhaps the experience will show you a beneficial course correction. Don't just plop down and try to wait it out.

When you're going through a rough patch, people will tell you to "stay positive." That's not bad advice, but I think we have to be careful about how we do that. If we "stay positive" by imagining that some unlikely stroke of luck will save us, that's not accepting or respecting.

In his book The Six Perfections: Buddhism and the Cultivation of Character, Dale S. Wright says,

"Geshe Sonam Rinchen asks us to 'regard suffering as happiness,' that is, to see in every moment of life, especially the most vivid, an opportunity to awaken from our own patterns of self-deception and avoidance. As he puts it, 'Seeing hardships as an adornment is to see them as an opportunity and an asset. If you begin by willingly accepting minor hardships, your capacity will gradually increase. ... It is possible to regard suffering as happiness. If we willingly accept difficulties, each hardship we face will simply increase our courage.'"

You might remember that courage is an aspect of virya paramita, also.

The Art of Disagreement

Tolerance is not always seen as a virtue. Some of the connotations of the term tolerance are not very pleasant. For instance, to tolerate can mean to put up with something in a rather grudging or resentful manner or tolerance can be associated with weakness, an inability to stand your ground and assert yourself. I have heard tolerance defined as supercilious condescension. And tolerance is often thought to mean agreement. Tolerance is not always seen as a virtue and even when it is seen as a virtue it is often misunderstood. From a Buddhist perspective, tolerance is extremely important and it has been a hallmark of Buddhism down the twenty five centuries of its history. Tolerance is the acceptance that other people hold different views from ourselves. Tolerance is the willingness to allow others to be different in their views and actions. Above all tolerance is the absolute avoidance of using power, violence or coercion to force oth Õer people to think and believe as we do. Tolerance is an attitude of loving kindness (metta) towards those who hold views which are different from ours and even towards those who hold views which are repugnant to us. Intolerance on the other hand is the willingness to use and the use of force, violence and coercion to make other people behave as we want them to and hold the views we want them to hold. There is also the intolerance that doesn't want to force others to change but simply wants to exterminate or exile them for being different.

   

Intermission

Dear friends:

What can we learn from Buddhism? The answer to this question could be nothing or many things; both answers, according to Buddhism, are correct.

It is easy to understand that there are many things one can learn from Buddhism. It is difficult, however, to comprehend that there is nothing one can learn. The very reason you came here today is to find out for yourselves what you can learn from Buddhism. How, then, can the answer be nothing?

If the answer "nothing can be learned" is correct, then the answer "many things can be learned" must be wrong, or vice versa. How can both answers be right? If both answers are correct, would it not be the same as saying that nothing is not different from many things, or that none is identical with many, or that zero is equal to any number? How could this be?

The answer depends on the level on which we communicate with each other. In Buddhism we say that there are three general levels of communication: the enlightened level, the intellectual level, and the common level.

First, let me make it clear that I have not become enlightened. As in the story of the mother frog and her tadpole, I am only the tadpole who has not yet developed legs and who is still waterbound, lacking the actual experience of the warm sunshine or the gentle breeze that the mother frog has experienced on the bank of the pond. So, anything the tadpole says about warm sunshine or a gentle breeze is only repetition or an interpretation of what the mother frog has said, Similarly, since I do not have a direct experience of enlightenment, what I am trying to communicate to you now is only a repetition of what I understand of the enlightened Buddha's teachings.

 I would like to tell you a story.

Once there was a young monk, who was very anxious to become enlightened. He studied and practiced restlessly in a number of monasteries for many years. His mind was full of desire to be enlightened, full of the methods he had learned, and full of anxiety. After visiting many monasteries, he was told of a very wise and accomplished old monk, who was highly respected by all who knew him. So, the young monk went and stayed with the old monk, hoping to learn from him the correct and fast way to enlightenment.

He imitated the old monk in every possible respect, including the style of his hair and the ragged gown which barely covered his body, because he thought that all this would help him to enlightenment. However, three years elapsed and nothing happened.

Then, one day the young monk learned that his master was gravely ill and probably would die. The young monk became very upset and thought, "I have spent three years here and he hasn't taught me any way to reach enlightenment. If he dies, how will I find another to teach me?" So, the young monk went to his master with a knife. He pointed the knife at the old monk, who lay seriously ill on his mat. The young monk said to him, "Reverend master, for three years I have served you, hoping that you would tell me the way to enlightenment, but you have not done so. Now you are very ill and this is probably my last chance. You must tell me the way to enlightenment now or I will kill you."

The old monk looked at the young one and sighed, "My dear brother, even if I have something to teach you, where is the room in your mind to receive it?" The young monk was suddenly enlightened, and he made a deep bow to the old master.

Thich Nhat Hanh on Meditation

Be the moment. Meditation is real life, as Thich Nhat Hanh explains in this excerpt from a mail to the Gaia Foundation:

 Question: In meditation practice, it is very common for us to feel that our minds are very busy and that we’re not meditating very well. What do you have to say about this?

Answer: Meditation is a matter of enjoyment. When you are offered a cup of tea, you have an opportunity to be happy. Drink your tea in such a way that you are truly present. Otherwise, how can you enjoy your tea? Or you are offered an orange—there must be a way to eat your orange that can bring you freedom and happiness. You can train yourself to eat an orange properly, so that happiness and freedom are possible. If you come to a mindfulness retreat, you will be offered that kind of practice so that you can be free and happy while eating your orange or drinking your tea or out walking.

It is possible for you to enjoy every step that you make. These steps will be healing and refreshing, bringing you more freedom. If you have a friend who is well-trained in the practice of walking, you will be supported by his or her practice. The practice can be done every moment. And not for the future, but for the present moment. If the present moment is good, then the future will be good because it’s made only of the present. Suppose you are capable of making every step free and joyful. Then wherever you walk, it is the pure land of the Buddha. The pure land of the Buddha is not a matter of the future.

Understanding the Buddha's Teaching

Chapter Eight

Realising Well-being

When we have toothache, we know that not having toothache is happiness. But later, when we don't have a toothache, we don't treasure our non-toothache. Mindfulness teaches us to appreciate the well-being that is already there. With mindfulness, we treasure our happiness and make it last longer. 

Being in touch with the Third Noble Truth - the cessation of suffering. Practice walking meditation and tea meditation in order to water the seeds of joy in yourself. 

Please ask yourself, "What nourishes joy in me? What nourishes it in others? Do I nourish it enough?" These encompass the Third Noble Truth. Well-being - the cessation of suffering - can be enjoyed as the precious jewels that you already have: eyes that see, lungs that breathe, lips that smile. When you are suffering, look deeply at your situation, and find the conditions for happiness that you already have. 

When we begin the first stage of the Third Noble Truth, we have some happiness, but we don't always realise it. We are free, but we don't know it. When we are young, we are strong and healthy but we don't always appreciate it. Only when we have trouble walking do we realise how great it is to have two healthy legs. The first turning of the Third Noble Truth is the "Recognition" of the possibility of the absence of suffering and the presence of peace. Not having peace and joy at the moment can be remedied by remembering it from the past, or watching it in others. We see that well-being is possible. 

The second turning is to "Encourage" ourselves to find peace and joy. If you want to garden, you have to bend down and touch the earth. Gardening is a practice, not just an idea. To practice the Four Noble Truths, you have to touch deeply the things that bring you peace and joy. When you do, you find that walking on the Earth is a miracle, washing the dishes is a miracle, being with friends is a miracle. The greatest miracle is to be alive and our suffering is not worth suffering for! How many people kill themselves because of rage or despair? In that moment, they do not see the vast happiness that is available. Mindfulness puts an end to such limited perspective. The Buddha faced his own suffering and discovered the path to liberation. Don't run away from things that are unpleasant just so you can have things that are pleasant. Put your hands in the earth. Face your difficulties and grow new happiness. 

At first, your joy is limited, esp. if it is just covering up suffering. Embrace your suffering, smile, and discover the happiness in front of you. Buddhas and bodhisattvas suffer too. The difference between them and us is that they know how to transform their own suffering into joy and compassion. They know how to turn garbage into flowers. Don't throw away your suffering. Touch it. Face it. Your joy will be deeper. Suffering and joy are both impermanent. Learn the art of cultivating joy. 

And so you come to the third turning of the Third Noble Truth, the "Realisation" that suffering and happiness are not separate; your joy is no longer fragile, but true joy. 

The Fourth Noble Truth is the way out of suffering. The removal of pain is possible. Turning the wheel of Fourth Noble Truth we recognise that the Eightfold Path (right view, right thinking, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right diligence, right mindfulness, right concentration) can lead us out of suffering, although we don't know yet how to practice it. 

In the second turning, we "Encourage" ourselves to practice this path. Learn, reflect, and practice. Read, listen, discuss = be open so we can see where to put what we learn into practice. If learning is not followed by practice, it is not true learning. 

Our real difficulties in life have everything to do with the path. A practice that does not involve our real suffering is not a path we need. Living irresponsibly can cause suffering; transforming your lifestyle can bring an end to suffering. Transformation is gradual, but changing our behaviour  can bring an end to suffering. If we see that smoking is making us ill, we try to stop. In the second stage of the path, there is an increase in daily freedom. The path becomes real as we practice what we have learned. 

The Buddha asks us to identify the nutrients that feed our pain, and then to stop ingesting them. We do our best, and ask our siblings to help us. Difficulties do not go away by themselves. When we resolve to stop feeding our suffering, a path appears - which is the Noble Eightfold Path to well-being. The Buddha is a physician - that is why we bring our suffering to him. We must also be physicians and transform our difficulties and find that well-being is possible. The Eightfold Path is well-being, and we must follow it. The third turning of the wheel of the Forth Noble Truth is the realisation of this.

When your teacher assigns you a koan (kung-ah), such as "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" you have to ask yourself, What does this have to do with my real suffering, my depression, my fear, my anger? Do this in a way that transforms your suffering and not as an escape. 

"This is suffering. This suffering needs to be seen clearly. The roots of this suffering need to be clearly understood. I have seen this suffering. I have seen how it manifests. I have seen its contents and roots." 

Understanding things as they are (yatha bhuta jnana) emerges from our life and our practice. Whomever sees the ending of suffering sees suffering, the making of suffering, and the path. Interbeing is an important part of all the Buddha's teachings. When you touch one, you touch all. 

It is important to understand the interbeing nature of the Four Noble Truths. When we look deeply into any one of them, we see the other three. The truth of suffering, how it came to be ... how to end suffering and touch well-being. WE see the efficacy of the path. The Four Noble Truths are one. 

We need suffering in order to see the path. The origin, the cessation, and the path leading to the end of suffering are all found in the heart of suffering. If we are afraid to touch our suffering we will have no path to peace, joy and liberation. Don't run away. Touch your suffering and embrace it. 

Let us reframe the Four Noble Truths.

Cessation - the Third Noble Truth means the absence of suffering, which is the presence of well-being. So instead of saying 'cessation', we can simply say 'well-being'. If we do that, we can call The Fourth Noble Truth 'the Noble Eightfold Path That Leads to Well-being.' Then, instead of calling the Second Noble Truth the 'origin of suffering', we can say that there is a path of eight wrongs = wrong view, wrong thinking, wrong speech, wrong action, wrong livelihood, wrong diligence, wrong mindfulness, and wrong concentration. 

If we live according to the Noble Eightfold Path, we cultivate well-being and our life will be filled with joy, ease and wonder. If our path is not noble, if there is craving, hatred, ignorance and fear, we may find that suffering is naturally the outcome. The practice is to face our suffering and transform it into well-being. WE need to study the Noble Eightfold Path and learn ways to put it into practice in our daily lives. 

   

Getting it straight in my head...

• Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  The only barrier to the source is ourselves....
• 

  09:38
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  Then we must strive to overcome the barrier... open our hearts to the cosmos... and to each other.
• 

  09:38
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  "Yes.....my love.....who is one with all vines, flowers, forests and live....."
• 

  09:38
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  Drive out the darkness and let the light in...
• 

  09:38
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  *life

  Extending the metaphor....

  I wonder, so you think Christians and other monotheists are those poor wretched merged with the wall....who imagine they've found supreme truth and instead have a comforting delusion...like one who might mistake the skin of an apple for the apple as a whole?

  *like
• 

  09:42
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  I actually do. I really think you could be so right!!

  I think you should post that 
• 

  09:43
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  Because in the comics....those who merge with the Source Wall are trapped....stuck as it were....and Monotheists seem "trapped" within the cage of their belief-system....

  It seems to fit doesn't it?
• 

  09:44
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  I certainly does. It's such a simple, yet true, way of looking at it. It just seems so obvious...!
• 

  09:45
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  I think....and I know you agree with me on this....that this is why it is important for us to be courageous and questions our assumptions.

  I certainly encourage you in your private moments to do so with the Dhama.

  *Dharma.

  I have for years. 

  <<wonders what you're thinking...
• 

  09:48
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  Yes. At the moment I am learning so much. But it's a bit of a jumble in my head. I need to take a step back maybe and try to look at things individually. That's why I think it's important for me to talk to you 'in person'. You have a way of explaining things that makes it all so simple...
• 

  09:49
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  Plus, just listening to your voice puts me in a calm and receptive mood...
• 

  09:49
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

   Well I do my best.

  Did you currently have any Buddhist-oriented questions?
• 

  09:51
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  You do wonderfully!
  

  Not specifically. I just need to get thing straight in my head. Like I confuse Dharma with Dukkha.. and Samsara.
• 

  09:52
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  Dukkha=First Noble Truth.

  The word Dharma has two meanings depending on context.

  Most of the time just means "The Teachings of the Buddha".

  Less often but no less important it means "Truth".

  What kind of truth?

  A: That which is SELF-EVIDENT.
• 

  09:54
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  Right.
• 

  09:54
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  So....2+2=4 is a Dharma.

  E=MC^2 is a Dharma

  My love for you, is a Dharma. 
• 

  09:55
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  I see now 
• 

  09:55
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  Now here is where it gets really interesting:

  Is "God" a Dharma?
• 

  09:56
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  Well, it can't be proven if that's what you mean...

  I would say 'no'..
• 

  09:56
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  Correct.

  "God" is a metaphysical speculation....and ALL metaphysical speculations are NOTconsidered Dharma.

  "Heaven" is not a Dharma.

  "Soul" is not a Dharma.

  "Angels" are not Dharma.
• 

  09:58
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  I understand. Thank you, my teacher.

  "You are so patient with me.."
• 

  09:59
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  You are a wonderful leafy tree absorbing the full sunshine of the truth.
• 

  09:59
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  <<< blushes...
• 

  10:00
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  ....and lastly....

  Samsara is the phenomenal world as perceived by those who lack insight....this is the Ocean of Birth and Death.

  Ever heard that expression "the World I what you make it?"
• 

  10:01
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  Yes I have... many times.
• 

  10:01
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  Do you agree with it?

  *is
• 

  10:02
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  I do agree with it. You can't expect the world to come to you, you must at the very least meet it half way.
• 

  10:03
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  Those who see the world as they WANT IT TO BE are really living in Samsara.....

  To see true-reality-as-it-is...that is Nirvana.
• 

  10:04
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.”
• 

  10:04
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  Yes.

  Do you see the cloud?
• 

  10:06
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  "I see the cloud."
• 

  10:06
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  You already understand.
• 

  10:07
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  <<< feels light... 
• 

  10:09
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  When I sense my own discontent....my own bitterness at life....it's dark tendrils wrapping around my psyche in unguarded moments I know that I am being dragged down into Samsara....

  When I see large numbers of people like that...it makes me concerned.

  The Mass-deluded....
• 

  10:10
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  Yes... the world is being pulled down by their own bitter and twisted demons... I feel that all the time.
• 

  10:10
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  So....what is the solution?

  Question:
• 

  10:11
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  Until everyone individually can recognise those demons as being 'the self'.. and deal with them, there is no ready solution...
• 

  10:12
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  Bodhidharma felt the only way to save the world was to sit and stare at a stone wall inside a cave for 9 years.

  Why?

  You just answered the question.
• 

  10:13
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  I understand...
• 

  10:13
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  <<Acknowledges your achievement and bows.
• 

  10:15
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  <<< bows and thanks you for helping me to understand.
• 

  10:15
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  How do you feel?
• 

  10:17
  

  Chrissy Newbury
  

  
  

  My headache is passing. I feel... 'smiley'. And light. Like a weight has been lifted.
• 

  10:19
  

  Dan Hettmannsperger III
  

  
  

  Good.